Some circumstances in this world are out of our control. Completely, entirely, 100% out of our control. And as much as we’d like to stick our hands on the control panel to take charge, to redirect the steering wheel, we cannot always have our way.
And honestly? That sucks. There is no eloquent way to describe it. Sometimes in this life, we have to suck it up and deal with something that we should not have to. Someone else got the job. Someone in the class screwed up the curve. Someone forgets about your friendship.
As a 20 ear old with no firm grasp on where my future is taking me, I feel like a failure often. There is always something more I could do, but I don’t because I cannot even handle the workload I have right now. But then, I still don’t give myself a break. I still think about everything more I could be. Unhealthy? Yeah, absolutely. And today is one of those feelings where I’m really feeling like a failure.
It’s spring break, an have a lot of fun planned ahead for these next few days. Because of that, I’m determined to not let these thoughts and feelings of failure any longer than the type it takes me to type all of this out. Journalling always helps me breathe with a clear mind.
I am in charge of my life for the most part. Them, something arises that I get no say in. How do I move forward and cope with that in a way that does not become such a mental strain on me? That’s an important question I need to think upon and solve.
When I receive news that is not in my favor, I cannot dwell on it. All that does is lead into a spiral of self-pity. Self-pity is the quickest way for me to enter into depression. That”ll happen real quick. But it’s the instinctual response for me. Something doesn’t go my way? I want to mope about and be alone. But knowing myself, that’s probably the worst idea to feel better. When I’m sad, I need to be around people. I need to talk about it. I need to be proactive in making the most of the situation.
This Friday, I did just that. I received less-than-stellar news, and inevitably was forced to immediately go hang out with a large group of people. I walk into the doors holding back tears, but was met with twenty hugs. Each one with an extra squeeze where I felt the genuine excitement for them all to see me. I don’t know if thats a relatively new feeling or if I’m just finally aware of it.
This past year has been a transformative one for me. A lot of my priorities have shifted, leaving me so unsettled in my identity. None of that is bad, in fact, it’s really really really good. I’m growing every day.
[Right now, I’m surrounded by Ian’s family and holding multiple conversations as I type this up, so I really apologize if this is the most incomprehensible blog post I’ve ever written.]
In this season of life, I’ve never felt more loved. I’ve found a new family of support with Ian’s family. My relationship with my own family has never been healthier, though I know I could make more time to talk to them while I’m in San Diego. My friendship community in San Diego is small but the quality of each friendship is rich and energizing.
When I get bad news now, I know I have people to turn to. I have people to lean on and cry when I need to. I’m coming to accept that crying is okay. That I’ll find a solution. We will make it through all of this together. Bad news is only bad news for a short period of time. I’ll figure it all out.
Bleh, okay, I just stopped to skim over what I’ve already read and I realized I sound so annoying because I’m vague-blogging. If I’m going to talk about something on the blog, I’m going to talk about it point blank. You all are so wonderful to me, and I don’t like feeling secretive. So here’s the bad news: I will not be an RA next year. It came down t o a matter of numbers. They are not fond of hiring RAs that have already worked for housing for two years. They like to bring in new people that are closer to the freshman population. Which makes total sense. Next year, I’ll be a senior. I’m three years removed from what it ‘s like to be a freshman. I didn’t get rehired because I was a terrible RA or anything along those lines. It just came down to numbers.
This is kind of a side note, but I think the reason why (or at least one of the reasons why) I’m so bummed out is I feel a tad dehumanized. I was quantified. I was just a number on the page that was crossed off after a quick calculation.
I feel so blessed and fortunate to have had my position for two years. Being an RA has been the most rewarding job I’ve ever had, and it’ll be tough to find a job that compares to the purpose it gave me. That’s what I’m struggling with most. Being an RA was a large part of my identity. Just like when I was so consumed with my eating disorder. That was a hard part of my recovery. For so long I was the girl recovering. Now, I don’t really label myself like that anymore. It took me so long to move on from that because I was proud of that. I was proud of my continual recovery. The same goes for being an RA. I loved being an RA. I loved being there for my residents, even at 3 in the morning when they’ve woken me up for skateboarding down the hall. I loved being three for my residents even after they ripped apart my bulletin boards. They were my quasi-children, and I already feel a hole in my heart knowing I won’t get to be apart of this community next year.
A few weeks ago, I was even interviewed by my school’s newspaper about how much I love the job. And I really do. There is a lot wrong with it. There are a lot of faults that are hard to mend given the uniqueness of the job, but I honestly wouldn’t have traded it in for much. I loved it so much.
This is why I’m struggling right now. I feel like a failure, though I know it’s not the case. No one s mad at me. My parents were the biggest comfort to me as I was bawling to them on the phone. Ian’s family loved on me the entire night. Friends send so many text messages of encouragement.
I will get through it. It’s going to take constant reminders that I’m not a failure. I may feel that way, but in the rationale, I’m not. I’m going to allow myself to feel that way, but immediately refute it. That’s what I need to do.
I will find housing for next year. I will find a new job. I will make it through. There are a lot of benefits to this too. I have a hard time seeing them at this very moment, but I do know they exist. Failure is not a feeling. It’s a state of being that can only exist and should only exist as a motivation to move on and ahead of whatever holds me down at the moment. This is a chance to grow as an adult. It is not the first time I’ve felt like a failure, and it certainly will not be the last.
I’ve felt a little uneasy all weekend (or a lot), so I really just wanted to come out here and share some of the feelings. This is something to get through and work on. It’s not going to be easy, but it will serve as emotional and professional growth. I was so blessed with two years of time with the job. In that time, I made lifelong friends, I met the love of my life, I found mentors, I made little brothers and sisters, and I cultivated a passion for helping others in the simplest of actions. This job gave me so much in the two years I have had it. Now it’s time to find something else that can teach me some new aspect of the world.
I know as time will pass, I’ll eventually become excited for this new adventure. It’s okay that I don’t feel that way now, only two days after receiving the news, but I’m hopeful for that day to come.
Man, this life is crazy. nothing is really guaranteed. But we are all capable of having a thriving life,. Most of the time it’s just not the way we envisioned for ourselves.
But then again, if I think about what I wanted my life to look like when I was 18, I would not be happy right now. That life is not what I would have wanted right now. That’s why I need to learn to let go of expectations. I would have never thought I’d be where I am right at this very moment, but I also could not and would not change my circumstances for the world. I’m in a new phase of life, I feel the metaphorical book of my being turning a page, and I can’t wait to dive in and fill in the blanks.
This is good. Ultimately, this is good.
I love you all. I hope you are having a beautiful, quiet Sunday. Take some time for some self-care. I knew that going out on a run today would not have been healthy for me, so instead of that, I lounged around with Ian’s cousins and chatted. I did some light stretching while I waited for the shower. I may go for a walk with one of his cousins later today, but that is my form of self-care today. Focusing on the basics: focus on these people around me who I have so much love for, eat well and enjoy my time on spring break.
Take some time for your own self-care today. If you’re feeling up for commenting, I’d love to know how you take care of yourself in times when ou feel down. I can always use those different methods of taking times to practice mental health.