It’s quiet here on the blog. Quieter than it ever has been. I don’t mind it though. It feels nice to relinquish the obligatory guilt I’ve felt for years now to explain my life out on the internet. No one asserted this pressure onto me, but yet it was incessant. I think, initially, it gave me an outlet- a distraction of sorts, so I could focus on something other than actively engaging in my eating disorder. In retrospect, blogging about my eating disorder certainly was not the best choice interns of healthy distractions, but I would not be where I am today if it were not for where this blog and my recovery account has led me.
The last time I showed up here on the blog, I felt helpless. I had no control over my emotions, and I had an all out terrible experience with the birth control I was on. I looked around at the life I had, which is privileged, beautiful, blessed, full, and I felt nothing. That was not right.
I read over your comments and coupled with the incredible support of my boyfriend, I made some proactive changes. I got off birth control, I cut back on my academic work a lot, and I started going outside more. I broke free from the constant work grind and went out on a few dates with my boyfriend. I lingered around my classes. I made friends with a few new people I sat by.
Probably what made the biggest difference for me though is the lack of social media presence I have right now. A few weeks back, my iPhone broke. As I’m trying to my best to be fiscally responsible, I’m holding out on buying a new phone. I do still need something to communicate for work and checking in with family, but instead of putting money down on anything, my boyfriend and I figured out how to switch the SIM card back to my iPhone 5, which is bare. No apps. Nothing. If I want to go on social media, I either needed to download it or go on my computer. I decided just not to download it and see how I felt.
I feel so much better. I can’t even express it.
My goodness, we do not realize how toxic the online world is. I have always had a general idea of it, but it wasn’t until I was really out of the boundaries of it, fully detached, that I got the true sense of just how unhealthy social media can be for me.
This is going to sound mean, and I don’t intend for it to be in the slightest, but I had the most fantastic revelation: I realized I don’t care as much as I previously thought I did. Of course, I love knowing what is going on in my loved one’s lives, but do I honestly actually care what a high school acquaintance is up to across the country? Sure, I might be intrigued by it, but that’s only curiosity. I don’t genuinely care. So why am I bothering with it? Why am I letting it take up precious time in my life?
Now that I’m working full time and taking a full course load, there is just no way for me to justify the time I used to spend scrolling through feeds. I check in on twitter and Instagram every now and again just because, but it’s now down to every other day or so, whereas before, it easily would have been 10-20 times a day. That sounds outlandish as I’m writing it down, but I think we all fall victim to this.
When you show up to a class five minutes early, what’s the first thing you do? For me, it always was scroll through Instagram. Even if I had just checked it when I was in the bathroom moments before. It’s mindless. It allows time to escape. These past few weeks, I have instead checked my planner, thought about my day, or looked for someone around to chat with.
It’s made me feel so refreshed. I can’t even handle how happy I feel.
Granted, this is also largely in part due to other things, such as not taking birth control anymore and simply loving my job, but giving up social media has also played a large role. I cannot deny it.
Then, I think about this blog. I have little desire to come on here anymore to share my thoughts anymore. I have found that I love talking to people more and socializing and discussing introspection rather than writing it down. Perhaps this is a phase- who really knows. For so long I labeled myself as a writer, but maybe that isn’t really all there is to me. Maybe I forgot what it meant to explore other options because I was comfortable in my writer label. It was a role I establish and sought solace in.
But maybe there is more to me and my personality.
I don’t want to be Julia the recovery writer anymore. I don’t want to be Julia the writer. I don’t even really want to be dropsofjules right now. I just want to be Julia for a while.
Truthfully, my strongest motivator for keeping this blog alive is for the countless connections I have made. Some of my strongest friends have arisen out of establishing a bond over the vulnerable topics lots of us bloggers and blog-readers discuss. We are a special unique kind, with hardships no one else can understand. That would be a pretty difficult thing for me to leave, but certainly not impossible. I still have the opportunity to connect with bloggers who writer, and I’m always willing to chat with anyone over other forms of contact. I just don’t feel like I’m in the blogging realm anymore.
I don’t make money anymore from this site. In fact, I think I’m losing money. I know my year renewal for the url is coming soon, and I’m not to sure I’m going to purchase. I’m okay with bidding dropsofjules farewell. I really am. In fact, besides the bonds Ive made, the only other reason for me keeping this blog around is on the off chance I do get one of my novels published. I want to be able to share the news here. That’s a shallow reason, an inauthentic reason at best, for keeping the blog. I fully recognize that.
Essentially, this is where I’m at right now. I’m really happy. My full-time job is the BEST job I have ever had. I apologize to my roommates every day because I talk about it so much. It could turn into a life-long career for me, truthfully. Everything in life is going really well, and I find myself drifting away from the blog.
Of course, if I do fully leave my little corner of the internet, I’ll come back with a much more articulate goodbye post. I didn’t intend on writing this out, but I had 20 minutes before my next class, and I felt like checking in. You all do deserve that. I can’t leave you hanging. I love you readers so much. Thank you for the years you have given me.
Signing off for now. I might be back soon. Sending love and strength to you all. Choose to fight. There is good in this world. It seems dark and treacherous out there, but there is light. You are light.
((Apologies for any spelling errors. I don’t have time before class starts to format and review the post))