I could & probably should be renamed the Grinch.
I have made Christmas seem like nothing to my family.
I was scheduled to work at the theatre from 11:30-5, and they knew that. They asked if we could have a family breakfast together, and I said sure. They had told me ahead of time and udnerstood it would be anxiety-provoking. But I agreed as long as there would be adequate time to open presents and enjoy breakfast together before I would have to leave for work. So we all came to a consensus that everyone would wake up at 9:30 for presents and breakfast.
Of course, being the early bird I have always been, I woke up at around 7:30 after tossing and turning all night. I made a promise to myself that I would not exercise though and decided to take the time to curl my hair in a different way. A method that takes about forty minutes.
I began to wrap my hair over the heated pole as I breathed in and out ever so heavily, attempting to prepare for the day lying ahead of me. There was so much for me to await. I needed to relax. Just relax Julia. I turned some Christmas music on, partly as a distraction, and partly because today is the last day where I can listen to the seasonal melodies without receiving strange looks from others. (sidenote: my holiday CDs have been on repeat in my car since early October. I am one of those people).
I kept watching the clock, desperately waiting for 9:30 to magically appear. But the ticking of the seconds seem to slow with each extra glance I took. Before I knew it, my hair was formed into spirals, and I realized my stomach was grumbling. No, scratch that. My stomach was starving. I literally have not experienced a hunger like that for months probably. But it was only 8:30.
There was no way I could mentally allow myself to eat at that moment and in an hour with my family. I may be strong, but I am certainly not there yet. Instead, I decided to start writing. Writing seems to always calm me down. Which explains why I am writing at this very moment. I brewed a cup of tea and chewed my chewable vitamin because I am a baby and struggle to swallow pills.
As I sat down to my computer with tea in my hand, I took one last glance at the clock. It was just enough time to blog before my parents would come out gleaming with excitement for the day.
Well, you know what? 9:30 came… and then went. 9:45 came… and then went. My family lazily came out of their caves around 9:50-9:55 and was greeted by a very anxious Julia. But it is Christmas, Julia. Cut them some slack. I abhor when my schedule is messed with, but I did my best to let it go and put on a smile.
We got through the presents, but the whole time I was watching the clock. Periodically I had to leave the room to start putting on my work uniform. The breakfast takes a decent amount of time to prepare and I did not want to be rushed through the dinner. My father could sense my urgency, and decided to save the rest of the presents, though only a few left, for when I came home for the night.
He prepared his “donuts.” Biscuits lathered in butter and then later fried. Even though my mind had been prepared, I was completely out of my comfort zone by being rushed and only ended up having one when everyone else had three. Not only did they have three, but theirs were drenched in maple syrup. My plate went nowhere near the sticky liquid.
I wish I could have changed this morning. But I was so angered that they did not stick to the plan. Had they woken up at the time we agreed on, I think the entire morning would have gone on a lot better. That is very selfish of me to say, but it is true.
I took the laughter and fun away from Christmas morning. I caused the breakfast table conversation to feel rushed and awkward.
I stole Christmas.
I made it about me, when in reality, Christmas is not about me at all. How selfish.
I have realized that this disorder makes you constantly think about you. What you are going to eat. What you are going to look like. What others think of you.
Today I realized that I am really freaking self-centered. I do not want to be, but my thoughts are being hijacked by a masked enemy. Slowly, with each bite I take, I am destroying him. Once again I will reclaim the kingdom of my mind.
This post has no inspirational message or burst of courage in it. In fact, it has been a rather lousy day in my opinion. But, the clock reads 6:20 PM as I type this, which means I have 5 1/2 hours to make up for my lack of a spirited attitude today. I will find a good moment in this day.
“Every day may not be good, but there is good in every day.”
I will find that good.
Even on my weakest of days, I will get stronger. There is no way I can turn back now. I have come much too far- as have you. We all are in the midst of probably the greatest struggle of our lives, and no one understands us. We feel alone, or at least I do. But, I am here to tell you that you are not alone. I am not alone. We have each other.
Thank you for following along in my journey. It is an honor to know that I have so many people cheering me on. I have felt more love in these past few weeks of sharing my recovery progress than I have felt in my entire life. So thank you.
But also, please keep in mind, I am not recovered. Sometimes the comments on my instagram upset me when followers comment, “But you CANNOT have a bad day. You’re Julia! You’re a fighter.” Those comments make me want to hide away from the world and delete all of my accounts. I am allowed to have bad days. Please, please, please, please, please understand that. Yes, I am doing ten times better than I was a few weeks ago, but that does not give anyone the right to judge when I do falter in my ways.
I hope that does not come off as rude, even though I am sure that it may appear that way. Do know that I value every single one of my followers, and I truly do gleam with happiness with each uplifting comment I receive. The ones that bring me down have just really started to get to me. Recently commenters have been rude and triggering, and it is causing me to rethink publicly posting my recovery process.
I guess I will just play it out for a little while.
I hate to end this post on a negative note, so here is something to keep you all smiling: