Today, I am about to head off to a baby shower. A previous English teacher of mine is having her second child- a boy. She is the only teacher at my school (though she works at another school now) in which I have confided in regarding my eating disorder. I look up to her with more respect and admiration that I have for any other woman besides my mother. She is an incredible woman of the Lord, and I am so grateful to her as she has been here through every step of my recovery.
Her baby shower is going to take place at a romantic coffee shop where I will be surrounded by tea cakes and loved ones. Am I excited for it? Absolutely. It will be so good to see those that I turned away during the depths of my darkness. I need to show off my new-found light. I need to show everyone that I am alive again.
This morning, as I was showering, I began to mentally sift through my closest imagining what the perfect outfit would be to express my happiness. Suddenly my thoughts fell upon the dress pictured below. I had bought the garment a few months ago online, only to find out it was much too loose on me. When my mother and I came to this unfortunate realization, we shared a look of dismay and the dress found its way to dark end of my closet to be forgotten.
Toward the end of my shower, I rinsed off my legs and decided, what the heck. I may as well try it on. It had been months, and I have gained almost twenty pounds. Maybe this time it will be different.
And different it was.
Not only did it fit, it accentuated my body. It looks so flattering, and I honestly feel like I look like a million bucks.
After curling my hair, I walked out into the living room where my parents were watching football when they both turned to me. Their reaction is something I will never forget. My mom put on the biggest grin I have seen in ages, which made me light up. But my dad’s reaction surpassed hers greatly.
My dad cried. He told me he had not seen me look so beautiful in months. He said that he could truly tell a difference. He kept repeating that I looked so beautiful. It took all I could to hold in my own tears.
Next, they both asked me how I felt. You know what I said? I said that I feel beautiful. AND I DO! I truly feel beautiful.
Feeling beautiful is an incredible emotion.
Recovery is real, you guys. Yes, I have gained almost 20 pounds. Yes, I have some pudge in my places there were not pudge prior. But I have gained so much more than those measly 20 pounds. Those 20 pounds were never meant to be lost. Now that I have gained them back, I do not even care! I look in the mirror, and I am honestly content with my body. I love the feeling of my dress hugging close to my body. I love not having bras hang loose on my bony body. I love seeing body develop and hour-glass shape.
I love my body.
Wait, did I just say that?
I love my body.
Now, I am off to go enjoy this baby shower while silently daydreaming about my own future baby showers. After that, I am off to enjoy pints of Ben & Jerry’s with my friends while in a movie theatre. Two months ago, I would have never even dreamed that I would be having a day like today. I wish every day were like today.
Put on your blue dresses, sweet warriors. You all deserve to feel beautiful.