This post has been in my mind for a long time, but I have put off writing it because I have been afraid that it may come off as too harsh. However, I decided that it is now time to be brutal with you guys.
Just know that this post is coming from a very deep place in my heart and I mean everything with love.
Now, I realize that probably the majority of people who read my blog are recovering from eating disorders, have recovered, or want to recover. I am grateful to every single one of you who take time out of your day to catch up on what I am up to. I am honored to every single person that emails me asking for advice. To know that some of you out there in the world look up to me is one of the most humbling things, and I am blessed to have strangers out there that think of me so highly.
I have to be honest though- I am frustrated. I am frustrated that eating disorders have taken over so many beautiful souls. Seriously, some of the emails I receive are so wonderfully articulated, yet I can feel the utter despair in them. I get distraught sometimes reading emails or seeing people’s Instagram posts because they sound hopeless. They look everywhere for the answers and are left stuck.
That was me. I have been there.
I would spend all day scouring the internet reading articles about gaining weight and bloating and calories and everything else related to my eating disorder. I looked to every external source that would help me recover. I became an expert on eating disorders, but you know what? None of that helped.
You know what did help though? Deciding that I had to be the one to make the change.
I could admire others that have recovered or envy those that could eat without a care, but nothing would make a difference unless I decided to make serious changes to my life. The life I was living was not going to give me recovery.
We cannot have it both ways.
We cannot recover from an eating disorder and maintain our lowest weight.
We cannot excessively exercise and be mentally free.
We cannot skip lunch and expect our eating disorders to vanish.
We cannot starve ourselves and expect our bodies to function normally.
I guess… I am just really tired, and really sad, because as much as I want to help those of you who reach out to me for help, I cannot be the one to make you recover.
I still LOVE receiving emails, so please do not take this in that way. Please, always feel free to email me whenever. I will always do my best to support and encourage anyone out there, but I do not want to feel like I am responsible for motivating anyone to recover. does that make sense? I cannot motivate anyone to recover. And neither can anyone else.
I cannot give you the answers you are looking for. I SO wish I could, but I cannot. YOU are the only person that can make this better for you.
Sure, people can force you to go to treatment facilities and inpatient programs, but the only way you will make significant progress is if you allow yourself to do. It is probably the most difficult thing you will do in this lifetime, but it is also completely worth it. I promise. I cannot make the decision for you and neither can your family.
As morbid as this may sound, if you do not allow yourself to want to recover, you never will, and you will forever be stuck in the grips of a debilitating mental illness. I do not say any of this to be mean, but rather to make you aware of the cruel damage you are unearthing onto your body. You and only you are capable of fixing this for yourself.
Again, I am hesitant to even press “publish” on this post because I do not want to come off offensive whatsoever. That is not my intention for this post. I want people out there who are currently struggling to understand that the desire to recover has to be internal. No external source will ever be worth it. Maybe initially, your desire to recover comes from other people. I know mine did! Initially, I was tired of hurting my family, but ultimately, at some point I had to learn how to love myself. Heck- I am still learning how to love myself. However, I know that I would have never progressed this far into my recovery had I not taken the steps to dive under the surface and look inward to my feelings. It is uncomfortable, it will sting, and there will probably be a lot of tears, but it is the only way I can see a way out of it.
People may disagree with me, and that is 100% okay. I just really needed to air out my feelings on the matter. I want to see every one of my readers be recovered. I firmly believe that everyone out there is capable of recovering. I am not a special case. If you truly do work hard, there is a light at the end of this dark, dark tunnel.
Once again, I love you all, and I am grateful for every blog read, comment, share, and email I receive! I am thankful for the amazing support I receive, and I sincerely hope this post was nothing offensive, but rather, perhaps it was a “wake-up” call.
Sending you all love. <3
No questions today, but I would love to hear your thoughts!